So this is what it's like...
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stress
why is it that everytime i am here, in front of the laptop, staring at this entry box, i'm left completely and utterly lost of what to say ? there were times when i had that moment of contemplation or 'deepness' bt no where near a freaking laptop...i know, i cud jst update using my bb but it takes such a long time to load that i'll lose interest halfway...
anyway, Zoe is roaming around the house lonesome, i think she's missing my mom, who's on a business trip. Zoe doesnt usually come near me nor does she follow me around but today (since yesterday actually) she's been trailing behind and nudging, almost tripping me while i walk around the house. now she's sprawled on the big cushion waiting for someone to stroke her. such a queen!
ok that was dull and un-interesting...i should really consider going to bed. it's just because i drank a cup of oolong tea and is trying to work the caffeine off. was supposed to be doing my work but it turns out the files that i saved on 'compatible mode' didnt actually got save as such, so yes here i am trying to write a blog entry. i also managed to 'replace' a whole MOM that i wrote in one sitting(for 1 hour) this afternoon....didn't really feel anything aft i realised what i've done...surprisingly calm and serene, like it's ok, i'll just write it again...and when i found out that i brought the wrong files home, didn't bother me either...
this is a bad sign isn't it? i mean i have come to a point where bad things doesnt effect me anymore. is this what people call stress ? i'm always bad at recognizing these kinda stuff.
i have written the title of this entry as "stress" even though i have not discuss this topic in great length but i cant think of an entry topic and that jst came when i finished writing the sentence above.
i should blog more often. i miss this. i miss having something to say even though it's not important but i'd like to say it because i can and because i like to write. i like to write and be read. we all should be able to write what we feel just because.....and not care that no ones read it nor like it...
this is a belated picture of us at mala's late uncle's art exhibition.
9:47 p.m. - 2010-07-08
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work
it's been a while again since i last blogged, it's because i'm always coming home tired. i know that's an excuse coz i remember a time when no matter how tired i am, i'd still have time to update. maybe coz it was a happy kinda tiredness, where i enjoyed my day and couldn't wait to tell the world...god knows who'd be THAT interested...but it gave me something to look forward to, so i guess that worked before.
these days, it's jst been mind numbingly boring stuff that i do...work....like work work, work where you dont necessarily enjoy ALL the things that you do but you have to do it because it's paying your bill and of course that nice designer handbag that you've got your eye on for 2 years already....
11:13 p.m. - 2010-07-02
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World Cup
It's the middle of the World Cup 2010 season and it's a wonder how once in 4 years, those who don't usually watch football has suddenly become the most avid fan!
and shamed to say, i am one of them.
due to jet lag that i'm suffering after coming bck frm the work secondment, i've managed to catch most of the matches. it does seem a tad bit unfair that most of the exciting matches are the ones at 2.30 am in the morning! last night i resisted though, the England vs Algeria match. according to my bf, it was a boring one, so i didnt miss much.
anyway, yes the un-fan has suddenly become the mad-fan. i guess, it is more exciting to see the players from different countries battling it out. (ok, so you could argue we could see that on the BPL, since they can buy all of them) but i guess, watching the fans add to the entertainment. the passion that they bring, it's contagious....
wonder how that feels like ? rooting for a winning team....
3:22 p.m. - 2010-06-19
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lazy sunday morning
i remembered paying for the diaryland gold membership so i thought i should update this blog some time haha....
it's the first sunday in a v long time that i've made breakfast myself coz 1. i woke up early 2. have not made plans to meet up wt anyone for bfast and 3. my maid's not around :P
made eggs on toast, was hoping to find some mushrooms for kate's mushroom & garlic....but there weren't any :(
anyway, am wating for the CSI series that i've not watched since this CSI:NY i've caught bfore....
you know, i'm still in shock at the purchase i made yesterday...seriously, we didnt ask all the prerequisite question, jst went in, chose the one that we like and bought it...but my mom said, you know it when you know it...we'll see in 2 yrs time if that gut feeling is true! haha
i think i need to shower, it's too late in the afternoon already :P
12:11 p.m. - 2010-04-04
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procrastinating
The software that I'm supposed to use ran out of license, d person tat I'm supposed to meet has another meeting and I've burned my tongue drinking coffee which doesn't taste v nice so here I am blogging via my bb. Yes those are all excuses for me to not do work coz as a wise person once said, "if there's a will....."
I've recently joined a gym again because I wanted to train for another run, one of my resolution (I'm not going to say new year's coz it wasn't made then)is to not stop doing something half way. Am going to be serious bout my running frm now on and reach my goal of finishing it in less than an hour :) I was also inspired by Hiza's 'bendiness' in body balance's class, so am gonna try that out too. It's a combination of tai chi, yoga and pilates. Awesome class :)
There's also a few other things that I'm planning to do and do it seriously! Like paying off my credit card debt (cards are all stowed away in an undisclosed location haha), start a new holiday savings account, buy a house in 3 yrs time (that's when I reach 30!mcm loser la jugak if by then takde rumah sendiri) and be nice to everyone regardless how shitty they are to me ( coz I believe in d whole, what goes around comes around).
Ok bck to clicking the "retry" button until I get access *sheesh*
- 28/01/10
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sad
i guess today was the day that it finally sinked in, that we've broken up...it occured on my way out of the towers, on my way to the gym, as of habit, i reached into my handbag for my phone and wanted to text HIM because that's what i always do, i always tell him where i'm going or what i'm doing so that he won't worry about me but of course i cant do that any more so i called elle instead because i didn't want to be crying out in the streets (or pavement more like it).....and i was grateful she was there or else seriously, i'll be bawling my eyes out in front of menara maxis, on my first day at a new gym....NOT a v good first impression!
i had a good workout session and it kept me from thinking too much about it....
but when i got home, there on the table was the parcel that he said he sent me, even after we've broken up...2 jars of the 'Suraya' coffee, a Burberry cap and my late dad's scarf that i loan him so that he wont get cold in the winter...then the sadness starts pouring in again....
i caught this quote on my friend's fb status,
"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain." - James Baldwin
which i think is true, it was so much easier to cope when ur angry/ hate someone because there's a reason for not seeing. talking or confronting them....but when the hates gone, u've really jst gotta deal with it, the honest truth of it :(
i still dont think we'll be good together but at the same time, remembering all the good times that we DID have, i can't imagine ever to have it again wt anyone else.....
11:04 p.m. - 2010-01-25
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Another entry using d touch coz my lil laptop is giving me problems and I wanna prac wt this touch screen thing. Still finding it a bit difficult.
Well jst got bck frm an Indian wedding it was my first ever! It was a v simple occasion, d bride & groom came in n cut d cake then we all had dinner. Aparently there's gonna b dancing bt we didn't stay for tat.
I think it's d whole wedding weekend that's making me miss my ex. Coz I was really jst thinking bout all d good times that we had n d dream family that we wanted. *sigh* I honestly felt like there is no way am ever gonna love again nor like someone else.
But something weird did happen, it was like a blast frm d past, 1st, met this guy who looks exactly like one my ex n then an old friend msged to tell me that he's coming bck for d holidays. So that made me slightly happier.
11:18 p.m. - 2010-01-24
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Just a bit moody
Updating via my Ipod touch.this is going to take awhile haha.
Just came bck frm dinner wt d family at parade, well there were only 3 of us since my sis is away n d youngest didn't want to come but we did bump into my aunt uncle n cousin, so they joined us.
It was raining, was seated at d bck seat, half reading a book using my touch n half looking out d window when I was struck by a melancholic thought that I'd prob nvr will get married n am actually missing the ex. I guess it's kinda expected this to happen to me, the only person to have ever really love me, I can't stand to b with. And he was " familiar", can't exactly imagine going out wt someone who I've not known for quite some time let alone dating a stranger, that's when d thought occured *sigh*
there are obviously time when I thought there's a greater reason for all of this bt right now, I can't really see it!
10:52 p.m. - 2010-01-23
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a v late new year's resolution
someone wise said that "sometimes those issues are jst in your head", when i said that i jst want to be alone right now and that there were a few questions/"issues" that needed clearing up.
certainly events that happened these past 2 years have made me realised that at the end of the day, i'm jst human, i've made mistakes, regreted past events and succummed to future fears (ie. being alone and not having babies) that i've compromised in things that i believed in. The part which i regreted the most is the fact that i didnt fight back, or at least i tried but i will jst go back and the cycle starts again.
So anyway i've been reading this book, which felt like a smack in the face, and in it, it made me realised how silly i have been acting. need to figure out what went wrong and how to handle the situation in the future.
(ps: before we move on, pls note that i'm jst making all this shit up as i type)
tools to keep in (my) mind when dealing wt "difficult" people.
first lesson : patience.
because only with patience can you stay calm and have a clear head to think things through and not act rash. this will be useful when confronted wt someone stubborn, ignorant and have no inclination to accept a different point of view.
second lesson : honesty
jst be honest with yourself, do u REALLY feel the way you do ?
third lesson : courage
have courage to defend what you think is right because that was how u were brought up, what u've read and what u believe in...and be ready to accept the other person's differing opinion, if said person is still not budging then walk away...let it go!
fourth lesson : knowledge
be knowledgeble, because, as cliche as this might sound, knowledge IS power. how can you argue with someonw armed with baselss facts (ie. "jst because you said so" or "because i have a feeling it's right")
fifth lesson : humbleness
accept the fact that MAYBE you dont know everything and MAYBE the other person has a point.
anyway, i know most of the time i dont practice what i preach, but will try to more this year. must not be SO emo! :P
(i also have another theory on why i was so emo last yr, apart frm it is my inability to control my emotions, i think the fluctuating weight that i went through did not help wt my hormonal balance haha....but hey, i'm no doctor so lets focus on developing self by not blaming external forces...lets hope this year will be a good one :D )
5:12 p.m. - 2010-01-17
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the thought of food :)
Here's a random entry for you, was watching the science channel. It was a show about d science of food and at one partan they were trying to breakdown the molecules of the food's flavour by it's smell, involves sticking a tube that's connected to a spectrometer up ur nose and then chewing the food to release it's 'flavour'. The interesting find that they found frm this experiment is that the longer u r eating the same food, the more boring it is to ur brain that it shuts down a few seconds as if the food is not there! Finally found out why I can't eat a lot of the same dish, I jst get bored! Haha
8:50 pm - 16/01/2010
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On board Kiki Air :P
We're on our way to singapore! (Naz is driving so am ok to blog)
Going for Radiah's akad nikah this afternoon, hope we'll reach there in time. Apparently, alina and taufik is already in johor! Haha
We kinda took a wrong turn out of shah alam of all things :P
11.15 am - 12/12/09
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a quick one
Jst a quick update bfore I meet up wt mala,amar n d rest for lunch :)
Went out to Basil at BV for some thai food wt syu halif majdi zul and ali. It was good but a bit too spicy for me. Didn't finish my food for fear it will bring me to d loo haha!
Then we went to starbux and managed to get stamps for ali's starbux diary.they make u buy grande this time around,huh? Don't think its v pretty either,well compared to lst year's at least.
Tomorrow's my assessment and suddenly I'm freaking out! *sheesh*
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\"Hmm whatcha say, Mmmm that you only meant well? well of course you did\"~Jason Derulo's Whatcha Say
cant seem to get the song out of my head.
but of course we all do...meant well :)
5:36 p.m. - 2009-12-07
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